| Gate 94 |
[Feb. 29th, 2008|02:03 am] |
::stands before audience::
do we agree that emotion is a spectrum? One that includes everything that we experience..at one side.. there is an extreme.. and at the other side.. there is the extreme opposite.
i think that i have spent too much time in the gray area of life.. its been a short while since i have loved.. and i haven't hated.. its been months since I've felt a kiss... and i haven't found myself fighting.. Tell me..
am i still alive?
::waits for the swarming sea of information inside himself to surrender an answer::
Song: The Dream - Falsetto |
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| Gate 93 |
[Nov. 11th, 2007|10:39 pm] |
::walks into room and sits before the glimmering lights and switches::
My heart may end up broken, I might feel as though Im alone, but one thing remains certain. These hands..will always be able to touch this equipment and produce my feelings in music. Thats about the only thing I can say I am positive of anymore.
::winds finger in headphone cable::
I dunno how i let things get so far out of control..unlike my drum machine.. there is no pause button for my feelings. Theres no way to stop it, for a moment and sort it out. On the fly as its said. Getting hit with all these emotions at once yet again. The bands of my thoughts are now woven together with strong feelings..and now Im caught in this net.. that is my mind. Now that Im here..I dont want to be here..not by myself.
Its cold.. |
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| Gate 92 |
[Jan. 31st, 2007|03:25 am] |
::peers down nose through his hood::
it would seem that the cold of this season consists of more than temperatures..more memories and feelings.. that once swirled around atmospherically have grown heavy..falling ever so gently to the ground..softening the steps i take..and all this time wandering in circles in my mind.. while memories of what was, build up.. and feelings of what will never again..
::slips and falls::
Must have not been careful enough..now im lying here on my back...so cold..am I even alive? I feel nothing..not the snow flakes landing on my face... chilled finger tips..or any indication at all, that im warm..that blood is circulating in my body.. I feel like a part of myself is missing..like when you see those trees in the forest.. and walk around the other side to see the huge gaping space inside..
i truly am, empty..
Song: Deftones - Hole in the Earth |
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| Gate 91 |
[Nov. 18th, 2005|06:27 pm] |
::ponders::
"you tell me that theres love here,
but to me here its blatent
whats with all the blood here
dealing with satan..
whats with all the hatin
its hard to keep peace..
thou shall not steal..
but i will..
eat..
i tried doing good but..
goods not to good for me..
misunderstood..
why you chose the hood for me..?
me im aight
i just had to work hard at it
went to mom for the answers
she said god had it..
so now here i am..
confused and full of questions
and im going to lose..?
or is this just a lesson..
and who is going to choose when it gets turned around..
or will it be layin in my own blood on the ground?"
::an answer::
"..when you shine its going to be a sight to behold..
so don't fight to be old or lose sight when its cold..
see that light down the road its gonna guide you there
two sets of foot prints i was beside you there"
::still lost in confusion::
"but what about them times i only saw one?
those where the times I needed you"
Song: DMX - The Convo |
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| Gate 90 |
[Aug. 18th, 2005|01:05 am] |
::Watching rain drops streak down a window::
"I'm peering down into the murky depths
of a river that no longer flows,
stagnant..
like our "friendship".
with longing eyes,
searching even.
My heart rests on the bottom,
where it's sank before..
A feeling of empty..
like water drowning..
exchanging panic for calm..
as punctuated life begins to fade..
a Stillness..
though the currents of the world pass me by,
partially beneath the sand,
and just as the stone..
my soul becomes cold again..
..and the warmth of life dampens in the absence
of loves vibrant light.." [M.S.G]
Song: Aphex Twin - Flim |
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| Gate 89 |
[May. 14th, 2005|02:45 am] |
::spaces out dropping coffee mug::
I confess, I've been so bent on the idea of one thinking or caring or including me that, I have over looked something, so obvious...this entire time it really has been about me... me me me..I've been the center of all this since the beginning..calling down the wrath of heaven and losing myself in the aftermath..bringing it all on myself..I see you must feel that its my fault I fell in love with you.. it was my own decision to reach for something I didnt deserve..something I foolishly thought I was wealthy enough to have..perhaps thats how you rest easy..but Im still retracing..wondering what went wrong..what it was I did..
::suspended in time and space::
I guess it is my fault I saw good things in you that led me to desire you to be with me..I guess I should have more control over who I trust..I guess it was all me..and all this time, I thought "the way life goes" was to blame..I'm told..No, it was me.. perhaps I was falsely hoping for too much when I asked to be trusted..to be desired.. to be needed..maybe I'm looking for trouble questioning why I wasn't met with even remotely the same things...it felt real..as if the like-hell feeling of lonelyness.. was finally going to stop..and it did..
empty again..
I've only recently realized that there is no "innocence" in love..just a blind moron.. and someone that knows exactly how that foolish person is feeling..and plays on that.. leading them around by hand..accordingly..in full control..I still dream of her..why..such fragile trust..but honestly, I should spend more time.. worrying.. how to correct this state of mess..but then..her face..her touch..
::mug shatters on floor::
Song: ASC - Windchime |
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| Gate 88 |
[May. 13th, 2005|02:02 am] |
::remains sitting at desk in a house with no walls..or ceiling::
..it happens so fast..chillin there..safely hidden away in that place you've wrongfully deemed your happy place.. your "safe" place..here you have stopped to take a rest.. absolutely oblivious to the fact that you are about to become painfully mistaken..
lojik indeed..
is swift.. rushing across rolling plains.. winding through rugged cliffs..gaining speed and force until it is upon you..blowing your house, thought to be made of brick down...almost with surgical precision.. beginning with the tearing off of your doors.. shattering of your windows..
trampled..
I sit here with my pen..and my paper..the shattered pieces of my fabricated world..scattered about..pieces that once made up the smoked looking glass..that softened my perceptions..I sit here..battered at this desk.. now..in the settling dust..as the sorry state of being..begins to take shape..I was a fool to have seen things the way I had.. yet..the fact that reality, has hit me again..ripped my temporary peace away from me..leaves me..
a sourly bitter, man..
Song: Ichiko Hashimoto - The Second Sorrow |
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| Gate 87 |
[Apr. 28th, 2005|06:27 am] |
"One day when as I look above into the stars...the night sky will be illuminated with memories of your existence ..and presence by my side"
::watching sun rise::
a morning spent remembering good things, has effects similar to that of a double edged blade..dicing through the sadness and sorrows that usually fill the dark..chasing them away..but.. the same.. creating new wounds of resentment, for those good things ...are fewer and fewer no more..
I suppose I am torn from good mood and bad..
Song: Gorillaz - El Manana |
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| Gate 86 |
[Apr. 4th, 2005|10:20 pm] |
At what point does total apathy take over?
another year?...waiting patiently for something good to come my way..to take me away from here..I wonder slightly..when do I get to sleep..as opposed to this endless cycle consisting of waking up.. struggling through work...fighting...returning to this .. this so called living space closely resembling a solitary confinement cell..sure I could leave..but go where?
::places X on calender::
after another day?..trying to keep myself, moving.. but lately the parts seem to have stiffened...becoming corroaded..I've been drowning in this sorrow while it eats slowely away at the complex cell clusters that make up my entirety like acid..until slowely me.. my personality is dissolved..am I becoming a hollow shell..caused..in reaction to the same acidic hate that people are constantly pouring on each other.. for selfish gains..or sickening spiteful motives..
a glimmer of a metallic object can still be seen even in darkness..
I smell the treachery on my peers stronger than ever before..even the slightest glance of the discerning eye can clearly see.. if you wish to survive..in this place.. you walk with your back to a wall...perhaps that is why there is knife in my back.. wedged where I can't reach..I may be bleeding to death..and the infectious poison has already taken over..
I've almost lived another year....but I no longer care.. |
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| Gate 85 |
[Mar. 3rd, 2005|02:49 am] |
::looks through the blinds::
Make no mistake..this is infact me..just minus the flutter of hope and happiness that appeared when I first met you ..and that disappeared when I felt embarrassed for falling in love with you..and you did not..Watching the snow fall, everything seems softer..but don't be fooled..as soft as snow is..you lay down, and soon enuff you'll freeze to death..its ok that you love someone else...I just fell short in the race..face down..fatigued..
these lyrics..
"Dont you bring me down..kick me when I'm down..why you held on so long..why don't you confuse me a little more..I never thought that you..would believe that I wasn't good enough..those things I never thought you'd do..You got the best of me..
You got the best of me, when you said you didn't love me anymore, but now..this will be the last time, you've got me runnin circles like a freak, why did you try to kick me when I'm down..I don't understand what your thinking" [Orgy]
it would seem I again, was a fool..
Song: Orgy - Pure |
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| Gate 84 |
[Jan. 26th, 2005|12:17 am] |
"I wanted to be just like you,
my father figure..
now I wanna fight you,
you bitch nigga,
left me lone and parts of me never out grown
the fact that you left home,
but moms was so strong..
how the fuck do you sleep at night,
knowing you wronged the only thing you ever did right,
dispite the loss I stretched the length over short..
now i got a new father who's name is new york..
runnin wild in the streets with heat,
we don't talk cuz when its cold we basically live life in the dark
but light will shine from the heavens and bless one.."
Song: ((Sounds of silence..stillness)) |
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| Gate 83 |
[Dec. 27th, 2004|09:53 pm] |
::closes eyes::
Its rather saddening..to think..about where I am right now..Ive wandered deep into this fog..following foolishly after the red ribbon tails in her hair..just in front of my eyes..like soft tracers dancing in timeless space...even after those slipped away ahead of me I followed her voice..but now somewhere I've become separated..lost..
now Im hungry..
bringing my zombie like trudge to a halt I begin to realize i've been walking, running sometimes for months now..and I have no idea how far I've come, no way of deciphering my current position..a previously ignored hunger now rumbles the canyons around me..not for food..but for something else..how could I be so naive..everyone can't be correct..I refuse to believe my heart has led me here falsely..but what if Im incorrect..how much longer..further.. do I have to go into this ..before I am believed..trusted
::sits down::
feeling a lil pessimistic and slightly frustrated with wondering if I will ever be accepted..cherished..needed..the true question is why do I require these things..I've been able to ignore the desires but now it feels like im weakening..I wish she did..I wish I knew where she is..where are the answers..will you have me..or not?
::dusts self off and starts in a direction::
Song: 30 Seconds To Mars - 93 Million Miles |
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| Gate 82 |
[Dec. 26th, 2004|02:15 am] |
time moves by with a haze..
when your spending it thinking about someone..I found myself accessing memories of events that took place over the last 6 months..she has my attention lately..and my heart..but it seems I have ran the extent of my chain leash and now that my feet have shot from beneath me, as this collar of reality chokes me a lil more..and I fall on my back..looking into the night sky..
so this is the star I've chosen to chase..
Song: 30 Seconds to Mars - Capricorn [A Brand New Name] |
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| Gate 81 |
[Dec. 16th, 2004|12:42 am] |
Liking someone..I guess is similar to a game.."Mortal Attraction 3" ::in announcer voice:: "only on Lifebox Live" ...
Enter new Challenger..
Like standing in the movie theatre game room with this crushed look on your face because the Samuri Showdown "god" came in and rocked you just one last match away from beating the game..all the quarters for continues to try again..wasted..
Irregular heartbeats..
Thump..thump Thump...THUMP..thump,thump..present watching the asshole that womped through your world and stole your dreams away..you become anxious, hands sweating..head pounding..your eyes begin to squint..yet still you do nothing..
::mashing of joystics and buttons::
He's happy..defensively sizing him up you see the smirk of his face..the glisten of his eyes ignites your blood..the enthusiasm that he shows is power only to force the replay of the event which you have by now identified as "theft" over.. and over.. in your head..
and all it took was a quarter...
Coldly..I was just moved over? Its impossible to know what I know, hear what I've heard..feel what I feel..and that particular question not arise..but aslo..why now...for the second time..must I fall in love when its darkest, and can never see the future or the outcome I was walking,
but now running to..
Song: Dj Tiesto - Battleship Grey |
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| Gate 80 |
[Dec. 7th, 2004|12:36 am] |
::smiles as eyes begin to shimmer::
I should admit..I ran from what today was in stupidity..hoping to sleep..and avoid it all.. i have been foolish ..this would have been a good day..10 years asgo..when she were alive.and I could say it..mom..it feels good to dream of the days when I was allowed to say that..when I could cry out and get a response..today was her birthday..I wish she were here..now I taste the salt of my own tears..and am filled with disgust..another person that loved me..that was removed..surgically with out anesthesia..from my life..the life in which Im free falling again..in darkness
and in emptyness..
Song: Tee Bee - Dimensional Entity |
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| Gate 79 |
[Nov. 24th, 2004|03:31 am] |
::opens eyes::
Im not happy..I don't understand why its so difficult to do something right..i steadily keep messing up..it seems I've found myself in this same position..listening to someone sing the pains in song..resting my head on my hands..hoping to lighten the desire to flee thats inside myself..but I can not escape..I don't want to escape..nor will I hide..instead with haste
I run toward you where I am..
I'm screaming for answers..for something..and I am met with nothing commonly..falling to my knees gripping my head, toppling over and falling into an even larger, darker abyss..squinting my eyes in distress bellowing out pleas for solution..I hear your voice..and the throbbing in my chest stops..the pounding of my head persists nomore..did I plant my feet on firm land..or just a dream..your the last thing I see when I close my eyes and the first thing I think of when I open them...I see you in everything..do you know what that means?..Why iz it you have this control.. this effect?..and why
can I not hear your voice now...
Song: DJ Session One [feat. Franky] - Can You Hear Me? |
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| Gate 78 |
[Nov. 6th, 2004|05:37 am] |
::enters room::
I am taking my attention away from things it shouldn't be..but before..I have completed my last report and now I await for the moment to deliver my final words...and now I feel happy..
and I am going to sleep..
Song: Krazie Bone - Talk To Myself |
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| Gate 77 |
[Nov. 1st, 2004|02:02 am] |
((bang))
I feel..I fucking feel... Im so tired of feeling..take these emotions from me..I so sick..disgusted with how I feel right now..a thirst for affection..and yet I'm all alone, fucking solitary.. I feel the pressures inside building and Im awaiting the walls of white that stand before me, to become lightly decorated with red..from the explosion of my chest..the more I fail to come up with a solid answer the more it hurts..and I dizzy from consciousness..then come back
::grasps chest::
I just want it to stop..stop this futile passion for people..I just wanna hate everyone and live contently with my destiny just as the rest of the world..but no..my fucking heart persists on fighting this..leaving me knocking..pleading outside locked doors..all these dead ends and dark alleys that my heart leads me to..all with the misconceptions that things may be different..no..its all false..fantasy..fiction..I don't get it..am I that wasteful that I cast my entirety down into the empty well..or off the mountain side to find later, crushed upon the rocks below? or is it my worth in question..Is it that much of a dream to have the things I want?..at any rate..the pain right now..however..
iz very real..
Song: A Perfect Circle - The Hollow |
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| Gate 76 |
[Oct. 29th, 2004|12:55 am] |
"Lately i find myself out gazing at stars,
hearing guitars like someone in love,
sometimes the things i do astound me,
mostly whenever your around..me,
Lately I seem to walk as though i have wings,
bump into things
like someone in love,
each time i look at you im light as a cloud,
and feeling,
like someone,
in love.." [Bjork]
Her voice is sweet...
Song: Bjork - Like Someone in Love |
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| Gate 75 |
[Oct. 27th, 2004|11:55 pm] |
its so lonely..
my heart hurts..its cold..and as Im sitting here..I wonder just how long I must wait..before I am lucky enuff to have someone again..I'll retreat to space..and skip amongst the stars..and dream
of someone to love..
Song: Deftones - Deathblow |
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